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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27152053">Empty Spaces</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fawn_writes/pseuds/fawn_writes'>fawn_writes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Far Cry 5, Far Cry: New Dawn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bible Quotes, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, POV First Person, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, Post-Apocalypse, War flashbacks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:47:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,930</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27152053</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fawn_writes/pseuds/fawn_writes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jerome realises Joseph Seed was right after all. Getting older, he wants to make up for old mistakes and restore a lost friendship, but Joseph is nowhere to be found.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joseph Seed &amp; Jerome Jeffries</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Captain+my+captain">Captain my captain</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>At first, I didn’t even think about it and I wasn’t surprised about it later, when I looked back at those hazy sullen years spent underneath. <br/><br/>There simply was no time. There was no time and there was nothing anywhere anymore, too: no peace, no society, no simple, calm life with its little earthly problems. No Hope County and no Montana, at least as they had known it, no matter how good or bad were the last few years. Instead, there were people, and they were running, falling, crying and screaming, calling each other through smoke and flames, hurt and scared. There were dead and alive, and without thinking I threw myself to saving the last and saved myself in the only available place that came to my twisted mind. <br/><br/>So I didn’t blame myself. As all I am even with all my faith and experience is just a mere human. And it is only natural for a human being to be afraid, to hold for dear life and to flee to safety when the sky rips in half with dust and sound blinding you and deafening mercilessly, when the ground under your feet shakes just like something or someone is trying to break out from the inside. When the world dies and everything burns, falling apart. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb:</em>
  <br/>
  <em>For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?”</em>
  <br/>
  <em>- Revelation, 6:15-6:17 (King James Bible)</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It came to my mind long after that, when the light was already dim and artificial, gasps and voices became much quieter and all the seals that separated us from the biblical nightmare happening above proved themselves solid and safe. I saw all the familiar faces around me, simple people, good and bad equally cuddled together like children or small animals facing the uncontrollable storm, but there was one empty space where someone different should have been. <br/><br/>A man who Knew.<br/><br/>A man who was believed to be lost in the labyrinth of his own delusions and, just like I thought, to take hands of other people so they would have been lost too.<br/><br/>At some point, I stopped my prayers for the wellness of his body, soul and mind, which only purpose of existence were to suppress my anger, sorrow and lack of understanding of mysterious ways of God’s work, and decided to turn my back on him in favor of those others he led away with him. I thought that he endangered them. I was so sure that I couldn’t save everyone at once and therefore should make a tough choice.<br/><br/>At some point, I started praying for him once again, now full of dedication and regret. I was not the only one who was wrong, but all those years I felt like I was the only one who noticed those gaps and emptiness created by the absence of one more person, heard all the unsaid words and witnessed undone things. The only living person with Joseph Seed-shaped hole inside. And it tried so much to soak through my eyes, but the tears never came. So I prayed, with no words and just lips moving in full darkness or while everyone else was looking other ways. With fingers moving slowly along the smooth shapes of rosary, pressing harder on less polished edges of a small cross.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was a messiah in his own eyes, and was he indeed?<br/><br/>Did he manage to save at least someone? Did he manage to shut down the bunker’s doors from the inside before being struck by some kind of danger he couldn’t escape or deal with, just like before?<br/><br/>And even if it was all a coincidence and no such holy mission ever existed, but only a lost man with a great faith, would the Lord still look after such a believer and allow him to make up for all that pain he caused?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They say time washes away the pain, but it’s not true, at least not completely. The hole inside was never closed, the tidal waves of new busy years just brought some rubbish of small everyday troubles inside and buffed the prickly edges so they did not hurt so much anymore. <br/><br/>This is what happens to old war wounds. They are well treated, cured, they might not be there after a few years, months, or even weeks, but some day the memories return and the feelings come fresh with a light heartache that is so hard to explain.</p>
<p>However, one thing that he promised his followers was a complete bullshit. We didn’t get any Eden at the end of all. There indeed was a promised land with fresh air, blooming trees and grass even more fresh and beautiful than in our hazy memories, but what Eden truly means is a new beginning. A chance for survivors to start all over without sin, without violence and their past feelings and nightmares hunting them there, beneath, and now under the sky that is blue once again. It all turned out to be a lie.<br/><br/>Humans can’t fight their nature. They can’t get away from their past, from what they were and did before, they can’t forget their old life. I can’t.<br/><br/>And I don’t even notice it anymore, but every time I see new people around I know I always study their faces looking for something I won’t ever mention when being asked, something to fill that stinging hole inside. Every time I go on patrol to an unexplored area I always go slower waiting for the familiar shape to appear somewhere on the edge of my eyesight that became worse with years. <br/><br/>But all I see is empty spaces. <br/><br/>And now they’re almost everywhere. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Are you there, Joseph Seed? It’s me, Jerome. Are you listening to what am I saying to you?</p>
<p>Probably not. But I will continue anyway, because some words are just meant to say at some time, at some place. The time is now, and the place is here.</p>
<p>And I’m calling to you, as this is all I’ve left after everything I have already done. After everything my people and I have faced.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I still remember what you did, that’s true. But there are other things that I remember, too: the great explosions and fires at the end of the world as we knew it; the prophecies you said and the good intentions you put in the deeds that came out wrong; the pain we caused by leaving you facing the Collapse alone – me, Deputy and others. <br/><br/>I had enough time to think about all of that, more than is given to some people in jail, so while I vowed to give the settlers of the newborn world under the clear sky all the possible help and protection, I made finding you my personal secret mission. I meant no harm, no, just wanted to talk. I’ve waited, carefully examining the faces of newcomers from the distance, I’ve struggled to find some familiar shapes behind every bush and tree in the forest when going on patrols, I’ve listened to latest gossips, but the result was always the same. Most believed that you were dead, and those who saw something remained silent. And I saw nothing. <br/><br/>The emptiness grew, and one day I was afraid it was gonna swallow me whole. This is how I’ve started to wander alone, farther and farther from the place I’ve settled in, putting my trust in God – seemingly, the only one who could lead me to you somehow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One day I almost thought my search came to an end when the path led me to the place that was once home for Project at Eden’s Gate. It looked like nothing like it used to be, and so peaceful, no less, but there still was some reluctance born from remnants of old memories in me that prevented me from setting foot there. Though, it allowed me to use my voice – and so I asked. And as everyone who asks, shall receive, I received an answer, but it was not the one that could make me happy.</p>
<p>They say, you’ve left them, Joseph. All the people who had had faith in you, all of your followers said you’d headed north without any last word, clue or message, and the worst thing was that I’ve seen hope and awe in their eyes. The society built upon your words, your love and the sacrifices of many is now abandoned by its Father.</p>
<p>If you’ve ever knew me, then you know, what I thought. This is wrong. I would never leave the men that I’ve brought together like this.</p>
<p>But you’re not me. And it is curious how the two of us both being so faithful are so alike and different at the same time. While you have always been the man of God that somehow have walked right into the toughest circles of life and were lost there once and for all, I always thought myself to be the man of people and only recently have discovered my true calling of transferring His word and the ways to live a good life to those eager to hear.</p>
<p>Was this the exact reason why you’ve left? Did you hear from Him again and abided by his instructions flawlessly? Did He promised you a better destiny or a severe punishment so you could come and receive it proudly? Or did you run being all afraid and exhausted like every other man?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I thought I caught a glimpse of you, when I looked away from the wooden walls surrounding your former home, but the phantom dissolved in mist with a sweet flowery taste in my mouth.</p>
<p>This was only a shadow of you. No wonder it didn’t suffice me at all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I couldn’t go any further that time, as I would have been missed and needed, so I had to head back with my thoughts as leaden as my feet. “North” is a very vast definition, and with most of that territory being yet unexplored I had very little chances to ever meet you in this earthly life (and probably even after). The only solution was to call an exploration party with our own food, fuel, water and ammo supplies, but I couldn’t risk to lose any defenders or resources in the hard times like these, so this was another dead end. Solution was slipping slowly through my fingers, and I was becoming angry and desperate in trying to finally seize it.</p>
<p>Then I came to people who truthfully respected me and owed me a small favor and asked them to return it. "Anything you want", they said, "Anything to make you sleep better at night".</p>
<p>I was truthful to them in my earnest. I asked them to follow your footsteps and go north, track you and try reasoning with you, to persuade you to turn back. They indeed are good men, who I can trust with my own life, and they closed the door in my face.</p>
<p>Some people still hate you here. They made up their minds long ago and even the Collapse and the events followed after didn't affect the brightness of their feelings. I'm not the one to blame them for it, but I can't agree either.</p>
<p>This is just too familiar. I feel it crawling on my back, knocking right into my soul and my memory. For too long have I been hiding it behind the curtain of prayers and helping others. Maybe the time has finally come for me to help myself and repent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You know how things have been. And you must have already known about the state I was in; if not, it is very easy to help you imagine. For many times you have encountered this feeling yourself. I've seen a lot of harm being done to the people I knew and the county I lived in, and I just couldn't stay away. Not like that. I sought every possible ways to give them protection. Revenge. As much of that as I could get.</p>
<p>And there it was, so blind and so bright at the same time. Wrath came out of nowhere and swallowed me whole, filling all the empty spaces inside me, so I raised hatred with my own thoughts and stubbornness right from the bottom of my heart. I was so sure I'd hunt you all down if I ever had the chance, I dreamt about the moment I'd see you all imprisoned for good or as the number of sharp lines of names carved on gravestones, whichever came first. For some of your family members the latter even turned out to become a reality, which my own hands helped to orchestrate. The people who were used by you and your siblings, who turned mad with their faith and then suddenly decided to retreat and to join the Resistance were so easy to turn a blind eye on, but you were something different. I just couldn’t allow myself to let go of you. I wished sincerely that one day hell will open its embrace for you and devour your soul 'till the end of times.</p>
<p>So, forgive me, Father, as I have sinned. I was taught to never give up so I never did, but they also taught me about forgiveness, about mercy with which the Lord ordains us to greet our friends and enemies, even worst of the worst. I forgot the sacred words: <em>“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another”</em>.</p>
<p>They are everything I have now inside me except the sheer emptiness. Love. Regret. Sorrow.</p>
<p>And hope. Hope has always been there and it still is, no matter what.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I’ve told you my sins and I am sorry. For them and for everything to turn out like that.</p>
<p>Are you sorry, I wonder? Are you sitting somewhere out of our sight feeling the same things? Have you become an old man filled with regret, waiting to die alone, too?</p>
<p>Have you ever felt the same way I do now?</p>
<p>(Please, say “yes”.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You will probably not be surprised, but I didn’t give up this time as well. However, some core principles had definitely changed.</p>
<p>Instead of doing everything my way, I decided to do it your way. You were right about almost everything, weren’t you, so why would it be any different this time, right?</p>
<p>It wasn’t hard to find the Bliss. You might have seen it fuming along the riversides, leaving alone some containers left uncorrupted in bunkers. It wasn’t hard to take it in either. It comes through the mouth, nostrils, eyes and ears as gently, as the mother holds a baby in her arms, filling the body and soul with lightness and love. However, the consequences are the ones that are not easy to face.</p>
<p>I did this alone, so nobody can tell me what I did, to give me back my memories and explain, how I ended up in a different place on a different side of the river, being completely dry and in one peace. But I remember clearly what had happened in my mind, and I can say now that I understand. I saw you in the toxic haze, I talked to you, and though you didn’t answer with words you showed me everything I needed to know. The cars turned upside down, the bunker’s doors, the loss, the thirst for vengeance and the hope in your heart, the scattered papers and two twisted souls trapped in the almost comfortable dark underground with no chance of coming out unbroken. <br/><br/>Did I find you at the end? No. They were other phantoms of you, silent and distant. <br/><br/>Do I believe the things I saw? No. The Bliss is a lie, as there is no simple way of letting it all go and be happy, so those visions are most possibly a lie too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Why am I telling it to you, then?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have seen everything now. I have thought of every possible outcome, every reason you might have fled to the wilderness from the people who knew you – and I still haven’t find the one where I won’t be able to forgive you, to take you back in. I understand what could have been done and why, I felt the way you could have felt about it, and I’m still here, waiting and calling.</p>
<p>Alas, I don’t have the time to give you for settling the things between us if you’re not ready to forgive me or anybody around me yet. There is danger in this new world now, and people might have suffer – both your and mine – so I need you to become the Father again, even if the children do not behave like you’d wanted them to. Love and help above hatred – isn’t it what you believed in all the time?</p>
<p>We need you here, Joseph, your presence or advice. <em>I need you</em>. So please, come, or at least show me the path to you I could walk.</p>
<p>(And, please, say “yes”.)</p>
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